(written 15.06.2026-06.08.2026)
You Will Never Be A Woman. Cope, seethe, dilate.
...
Okay. Now that we've started the post right, by clearing the air and scaring off the more squeamish and fragile persons of gender, I can begin this memoir in earnest. Sorry, it just had to be said. I don't make the rules.
I've had the idea to write on these two topics for a long time. They bother me a lot, as I have a lot of difficult feelings on the subject. However, recently the topic of transgenderism has started appearing even in my IRL social circles, at which point it has become inescapable. Furthermore, I don't feel like I really have a place to really openly say what I think, as I guess my views might be considered extreme in this day and age, so I'm reluctant to bring this topic up with people I know. Also, it's kinda very personal to me, so I might only be able to publish some of my thoughts on the matter here.
Where to begin...
Ever since my early teens, I've always felt I was "off". There was just something about me. I didn't really know how to talk to people. I only ever knew how to socialise over shared interests, and my group of friends, centred around playing computer games together, was dwindling by the time I was finishing primary school. I was spending all day after school on the internet. I felt increasingly anxious being around other people. By the time I was in high school, I had no friends.
Since I've started with a retrospection, we'll focus on homosexuality first. Transgenderism simply had no real presence in my mind, or on the internet, back then.
Anyway... I didn't mind my friendlessness much - for a time. The internet was this brave new frontier for me, and countless others worldwide. I loved my 'puter. All my friends were in it.
My sexuality also felt somewhat... muted. I remember being embarrassed one time when my friends from school watched a secret porn movie VHS tape they found. And also another time, when the same couple of friends played a porn video they downloaded from the internet onto their computer. Or another time, when one of said friends randomly expressed feeling horny for a girl in the video game I was playing on my computer as he sat next to me, watching. I don't remember feeling aroused in any of those situations. It's possible I simply did not know how to react and was too preoccupied with my embarrassment to feel anything else. Anyway, during my teenage years, I simply did not care for porn in any form, and did not seek it out. (I must have been like: "this isn't video games >:(", LOL.)
I thought about girls... a little. About some girls from school, briefly. But it's like... I'm writing this after publishing my post about the furry fandom, which mentions how I was attracted to Lori from Jazz Jackrabbit 2. After that, I became attracted to... uhh, like the pokemons Machoke and Machamp. I dunno why. I think I must have been around 15 then, maybe younger. In case you don't know, the entire Machop -> Machoke -> Machamp evolutionary line is a Fighting-type pokemon that looks like an extremely buff bodybuilder. The final evolution gets a second pair of arms, which is weird. I was generally imagining those pokemon to be female, but... in my fantasies they were still extremely muscular, which is not a typically feminine trait. Maybe I had a thing for muscular girls?
Since I was socially stunted growing up, I did not really imagine myself having romantic relationships with other girls. My fantasies about dating others were rare, strictly sexual, and I guess very plain in nature. I did not really have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, save for an online crush that lasted a few months.
I also wrote in my furry fandom blogpost that Cadrin (that's me!) is bisexual. Just as a refresher so that you know where this is going.
There was this one incident I vividly remember from the Gothic video game discussion forum, on which I was very active, and which hosted a fanclub for which I later created my identity as Cadrin. I think I was 16-17 when it happened. There was this dude my age I was chatting with. I was interested in him (as a friend) because he was using a furry profile picture and message signature picture. It was some anthropomorphic cartoony fennec fox. One time, that guy was in the chat room, boasting about his penis size. Apparently, he was saying that completely apropos of nothing. I distinctly remember deciding to join that conversation. I still remember what he said: that he had a 18 centimetre-long penis. That's about 7 inches for all the Yankees in the chat (since I'm apparently live-streaming this blogpost to you. hi, chat! :3). That was the first time I ever considered different penis sizes. I thought long and hard about that. LMFAO okay, sorry for being so corny there. It's true, though: even though I was sorta upset about him sharing such private stuff in public, I was secretly very curious about his dick.
In hindsight, I think that must have been some sort of inflection point, though maybe I wasn't fully aware of that. Around that time I was reading that softcore porn furry webcomic I mentioned in my furry fandom post. It didn't do much for me, despite being full of very sexually mature anthro females. I checked out the author's DeviantArt account and found that one cute yet somehow surprisingly asexually-depicted female cat. I created my OC, Cadrin, based on her. I feel like it's extremely important to state that I spent a long time thinking about the name "Cadrin", and I distinctly remember specifically crafting it so that it would sound unisex. I also started growing out my hair. I no longer remember what I was thinking back then, choosing to express myself that way, if I deliberately leaned towards androgyny or if it was an accident.
It wouldn't be until a good few years later that I finally started looking at porn. I started saving pictures of that nature off of an image board. If those pictures' modification dates on my system are right - and I believe they are - I was in my early 20s by the time that happened. Can you believe it? I held off for so long before trying it...
I forgot the details, but the modification dates tell the truth: when I started browsing that image board, I was presented with two main categories: "male" and "straight/bi" - and I went into the "male" one first. Of course, I started saving the pictures I liked, and the male collection was the first one. Currently my male collection outnumbers the straight/bi one 4:1. Furthermore, the vast majority of my straight/bi pictures prominently features the male.
On the same day I started my collection, I discovered femboys, and I haven't been the same since. They were like crack to me. Somehow, I felt seen. They were the answer to my deepest desires. I was partially attracted to them, particularly their masculine qualities, but more importantly I wanted to /be/ them. I desired to emulate their feminine qualities somehow. I also liked their sexually provocative aesthetic. No man would ordinarily dress like that. Since no clothes like that exist for men, they frequently wear the less modest women's clothes to show off their bodies.
...I could never imagine a man dressing like that in real life...
I had to double check myself there: the concept I discovered first was "crossdressing". It was 2013, the idea of femboys wasn't yet widely known in the public conscious. However, I still ended up discovering them VERY soon after. It only took a few months for that to happen. The term seems to have only really blown up after 2020, but the first mentions using the modern definitions on the Urban Dictionary date as far back as 2009. Still, I consider myself to have been well ahead of the curve on discovering the femboy phenomenon. Like I said, it immediately resonated with me.
And for the record: I'm conflating femboys with crossdressers here a bit. Dressing in provocative female clothing was originally more of a crossdresser stuff than femboy, though the lines there have become blurred over time.
I started shaving - first my armpits, and almost immediately after, my entire body. I liked the smooth, hairless feel. I started imagining myself being with bigger, stronger men. In 2019, I got with my first partner. After many years of being single, I finally had the chance to answer the question of if I really liked guys. The answer was "yes".
...most femboys are gay bottoms...
Yeah, I just don't know, man. It just happened. And it kept happening. And so here we are today. I'm still unsure about what made me this way...
And then, not long after femboys, came the trannies, since the two groups have a non-insignificant crossover.
That was, like, over a decade ago. I've been thinking about trannies since. They've been living rent-free in my head.
I would be lying if I said I haven't ever thought about trooning out. In fact, the thought keeps coming back. Every time so far, the answer has been: no, it isn't worth it.
It's like... I like guys, that's already been established. I think I also like girls, but I've never been with a woman, and while I find them attractive, I guess I mostly just envy them their looks. It's so weird.
...how can I know if I'm bi or not if I never...
This is causing me a lot of distress, since I'm not young anymore, and still the question keeps coming back: what if I ever change my mind? What if I want to have children one day? I'd have to get with a woman. There's simply no other way. I have contemplated other ways, such as hiring a surrogate or adopting, but I don't think those ways are right.
...would I throw away a potential future family? my own flesh and blood?...
I've had to do a lot of soul-searching. I had to try to answer questions like: do I view myself as a man, or as a woman? I certainly see myself as both masculine and feminine.
I cannot change who I am. I think it was important to open this post with the infamous YWNBAW phrase that encapsulates my thoughts on the subject. It, as well as the rest of the mantra that follows, is the unfortunate bitter truth that I've learned by going among the more conservative people online to get their point of view on gays and transgenders. I had to do it to get a more balanced point of view on those subjects, and the biological reality of our existence is simply inescapable. I am grateful for talking to conservatives about that. These people have taught me so much.
I find it rather insidious how the femboy and MtF transgender communities produce these exaggerated, stylised drawings of... not even "effeminate", but downright feminine men. For example, you have some popular anime icons like Astolfo the knight, or Felix Argyle the... whatever the fuck he is. Catboy maid or something. Those characters, while often very appealing in their design, are impossible ideals of basically being drawn a girl, and then called a boy. When you contrast those characters with what men like these actually look like IRL, it's just... really unfortunate.
It's kinda insane if you unironically idolise these characters. You'd have to be mad to really try to become an anime girl as a man. And yet, some people still try. Or, well, they put up their obligatory (tr)anime girl pictures on online socials to hide their visage behind.
This whole transgenderism thing is just crazy, from start to finish. It appeared so suddenly in my life. Well, it was soon after I started looking at porn. And indeed, it seems those communities are uncomfortably close to pornography.
Some say that men who become addicted to all that easily accessible porn on the internet become pornsick desensitised perverts, and may seek to troon out to satisfy their fetish. If such a man is also transgender, he gets called an autogynephile (AGP).
I am not a woman. I can never become one. No natal male can.
...But, in a way, I would really like to become one.
I don't know if I'm not gaslighting myself.
What if I've become twisted by porn from a young age?
Even though I've always been rather wary of porn consumption.
And maybe I have autism that's caused me to hyperfixate on this idea for close to two decades now?
What I'm telling myself is: being gay is weird.
And if I were female, then it wouldn't be weird anymore for me to fantasise about men.
Therefore, I wish to become female and be done with my dilemmas.
...I guess it's internalised homophobia and transphobia...
If there was a 100% reliable way to change my gender instantly, skip the whole creepy "transgender" uncanny valley and simply become a woman, I think I would do it. If it was also reversible and not a one-way street, I definitely would, just to try it. I mean, who wouldn't? Dudes who would take that offer would get to masturbate to their new bodies, I guess, and women... would probably also do that, lol. If I were in that situation, I like to imagine that I wouldn't masturbate like that, but... am I deluding myself? What if I have become so hyperfixated on this idea that I just really badly wish to be viewed as "one of the good ones", and not a filthy degenerate AGP, at any cost - so that I can convince myself that I've really been a based, wholesome homosexual transsexual (HSTS) this whole time, and as such have a valid and justified reason to pursue becoming female, unachievable though that might be?
I just don't know, bros... dudes...
You know, I might be on the spectrum. Maybe I'm an aspie who never got noticed by any doctor or paediatrician growing up, because I was so quiet and kept to myself in my teenage years. I mean, I've struggled my entire adolescent and adult life to make and maintain relationships, so that would check out. That's, like, the defining way autism makes life harder for those afflicted. Now, fun fact: autistic people are far more likely to troon out. Apparently it has to do with their less stable self-concept or sense of self or some shit. I've heard some figures saying as many as 60% of transgender people are on the spectrum. It's fascinating stuff.
I try not to think about all this too much. Just trying to figure myself out a little bit at a time whenever there's something I need to do in life and I don't know how to get it.
I should just hit the gym...
Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, this topic keeps coming back again and again, with annoying frequency.
I don't think gender dysphoria is real. Well, maybe it is, as a kind of variant of a body dysmorphic disorder. But, the opposite of it cannot be body euphoria, right? Like, I don't feel euphoric about being a dude. My sex is just not something I normally pay attention to. I'm just an... entity... who occasionally gets the hots for other dudes and then I'm reminded that I'm a dude myself.
I definitely think there is a sort of social contagion aspect to transgenderism. Like, impressionable kids will see trannies, and then they'll start to question their own gender when they don't know any better.
I wouldn't mind becoming more feminine. Or masculine. Either way is fine. Just as long as I'm not some repulsive, unformed, genderless blob.
I wish I had a way to naturally become more feminine, but I can't. Trying to pass better for a female, as a male, is terrifying. It's mostly invasive cosmetic surgery. HRT alters your fat distribution to be more feminine, but you can't really change the male skeleton that defines your frame. The robust male upper body is a dead giveaway - it makes our legs seem so small.
It's messed up that there's apparently this push to get kids to troon out earlier, since then the effects of HRT are more pronounced before puberty. But it apparently also fucks the kids up in another way, since the lifelong effects of HRT aren't well-researched yet. So the kid becomes a guinea pig. Apparently they put them on puberty blockers like Lupron, which is a drug they also give to convicted paedophiles to chemically castrate them. And if their natural puberty is blocked, apparently they completely lose the ability to feel sexual pleasure later in life, because their sexual organs never had the chance to develop.
Also, even if you did go through your natural puberty, HRT makes you infertile. And furthermore, it interferes with your ability to become aroused. So if you were one of those perverts who transitioned to fulfill a fetishistic fantasy, now you cannot even get sexual pleasure from it anymore. Nasty stuff.
Which brings us to the unfortunate societal aspect. The conservatives like to wave around the 41% transgender suicide attempt rate, which is apparently real, and also completely fucked up. What kind of twisted community is so mentally unwell? Some people claim it's due to transphobia and bullying, but I don't know. I think it's equally if not more likely that these people realise that there is no happiness or any grander sense of purpose at the end of the path they are set on, and that they've potentially irreversibly damaged their bodies for nothing along the way, even if they later detransition - especially if they've undergone some of the crazier surgeries there, like a phallectomy, double mastectomy, castration, and so on. Transgenderism supporters like to call those a "sex reassignment surgery" to make them more palatable, but it's just completely insane to me that a healthy person would ever think to do any of that.
Transgenderism is a cult...
Look. It brings me no joy to invoke YWNBAW - unlike the trolls who just say that to be edgy. Transgenderism is just fucked up. Conservatives also like to point out to the movement's origins in the 20th century starting with the psychologist John Money, and his experiment, David Reimer, the first modern tranny - who, by the way, detransitioned and later fucking killed himself, though it's possible his suicide could have had more to do with his wife leaving him than the experiments he was subjected to.
...
Ultimately, there's little I can do to change who I am - or rather, I could do a fair bit, I guess, but I think it would just be pointless in the end. I feel like if I pursued looking more feminine, it would be just for a fetish, and would end up ruining my life. I mean, the porn industry is interested in femboys and MtF trannies, who they call "shemales". Those are sometimes shown as the best-looking examples of a successful transition, which is really grim when you think about it. Would you modify your body through many very expensive, invasive cosmetic surgeries, just to be a porn actor? Is that the life you seek?
I just can't be bothered to try to feminise myself, and I don't see how anyone with a sound mind would do that. It's just not worth the effort. I suspect anyone who becomes an estrogenated male has too much time and/or money on their hands. Remember to quote me on that if I do end up trooning out later in my life, I'll definitely need someone to do that to me.
It's just vanity...
So, I have to draw. As a cat, I am the prettiest fucking femboy you've ever seen. It's the only real outlet I have. Anything else would be insanity.
In fact, as a cat, I'm unbound. I can visit the realm beyond - the realm of beasts and gods. In there, I do not have to suffer from transgenderism and getting myself stuck halfway. I can be a man on one day and a woman on another. All that to say: essentially, Cadrin the cat is some sort of internal representation my mind has picked for itself - and it clearly keeps exploring different gender identities to this day in its imagination, even though a grown-ass man like me is supposed to have such things figured out already at his age.
Forever young...
Anyway, why am I gay? I guess it's because I grew up without a father figure. That's one of the possible causes that conservatives often bring up, and that's exactly what happened to me. I guess I've never been taught how to act like a man, so I looked to my mother and unknowingly started to act like a woman by mimicking her behaviour. And so I seek a male in my life, because I did not have one to guide me growing up. That's what I tell myself, anyway. So he needs to fill the hole that has been opened in my life... FUCK I'm doing the corny writing thing again. Sorry, kek.
What if I somehow memed-- I mean, CONDITIONED myself, into homosexuality?...
I think I didn't always like big, strong guys... They say you can acquire new fetishes through porn abuse, so maybe indulging in gay fantasies made me shift more towards liking manly men?...
That's always a possibility.
I really just don't know...
What about you, Dear Reader? Why are you a faggot and/or a tranny? My e-mail address is lightly obfuscated on my main page. I welcome discussion. I know it's a lot of effort, but come on. Be the first to send me an e-mail. Call me a heckin' transphobic autistic gay retard, or something.
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